Alabama to declare masturbation illegal

"And when a sperm gets wasted, God gets quite irate." - Monty Python's Meaning of Life

Well, word out of Alabama says that the state government is on the verge of passing legislation to make the act of masturbation illegal.

I spoke with an Alabama lawmaker who told me, “Frozen embryos are just the beginning.

“If we have our way, the sinful practice of masturbation will soon be illegal in the state of Alabama.

“Those are babies being ejaculated from Alabaman penises only to end up in an old sock or some Kleenex. If we’re going to protect embryos, we figured we might as well legislate some protection for those sperm.

“Now, we realize that masturbation for pleasure is a popular activity for most Alabama men born into a home with no sisters or female cousins.

“Our proposed legislation will require all these men to masturbate into a government issued receptacle and brought immediately to one of the proposed ‘Sperm Collection Offices’ where it will be frozen to be implanted in a female of breeding age.

“And we are currently working on legislation to require Alabama women to report to a government approved embryo collection office and ovulate her eggs into a collection receptacle.

“The government of Alabama will take it from this point and scientifically fertilize it with some of the collected sperm.

“I’m quite excited about the possibilities. I’m hoping this will cut down on the inbreeding that is so prevalent here in our ‘Sweet Home Alabama’.

“My cousin-wife and her friends thinks this the best work that the government of Alabama has ever done.”

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