Alberta Premier, Jason Kenney promises not to attempt governing again
Begs the people of Alberta to give him another chance
“I promise, I’ll never try to govern again. Honest. I won’t do a thing. I swear. Except maybe ride a horse in the Calgary Stampede parade. I’d like that. But that’s it. I promise. Oh wait - I’d also like to drop the puck to begin an NHL playoff game. But that’s it - I won’t do anything else.”
Premier Kenney was speaking with Albertans about the first and only time he tried to actually govern - by opening up his province in the middle of a pandemic, resulting in Albertans dropping dead at the rate of one per hour.
I’m just a cat, but I wanted to see what this fuckup looked like, and took a walk by the University Hospital in Edmonton. The parking lot was jam packed with cots and patients. One of my feral friends explained that they had been set up for the anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers.
“Apparently the hospital staff had reasoned that these were the people who shunned the warnings and science, and would be better off with others of their own ilk. I’m hanging here as medical staff seem to love cats and I get fed - these COVID patients do not eat much. I guess we are a comfort to the patients. Just wish they’d stay alive a little longer. I love the attention.”
Kenney’s ‘miscalculation’ has resulted in Uber drivers throughout the province being swamped as they ferry people to hospitals.
Uber driver, Randy McKinnon commented that the drivers are really appreciating the boost in business.
“We’re happy - business has been dead since the pandemic began. I may vote for him again.”
The surge will be slowing down soon however, as Kenney’s mistake has resulted in zero hospital beds and little parking space remaining.
Originally, plans were to send patients to Vancouver, but BC health authorities told Kenney, in no uncertain terms, to get fucked.
As a result, they will be shipped to Ontario, where there are a lot more funeral homes, grave diggers and acres of burial plots. Cremation is available upon request. As well, there is a conservative premier who is supposed to be out of sight until after the federal election.
Kenney is expected to travel to a deserted cabin in northern Ontario and wait in the woods with Ford until the federal election is done.