Larry the No 10 cat took time out from his campaigning and had a WhatsApp chat with me last night.As everyone with a pulse knows, Larry is running for Prime Minister in the next general election.
I was curious, as all cats tend to be, to hear how the campaign was going.
But first I had to know about this cocaine issue that has been the subject of so much press and public discussion of late. I thought if anyone might know and give me a straight answer it would be Larry.
As everyone knows, cats don’t lie.
So was it true, or just speculation and rumour?
He ‘pawsed’ for a second and began…
“Well, I’ll tell you what I know and have witnessed during my ten years at No 10.
“When I first heard of it, I was young and skeptical - barely out of kitten-hood. I was sure it was a political game being played to discredit the Tories.I didn’t really care at first, but the more I witnessed at No. 10, the more interested I became.
“Members of the London Narcotics Squad would show up at all hours of the day or night with some very scary looking individuals - mostly male but terrifying women were in the mix.
“The group would retire to the Cabinet Meeting Room and wait until Tory cabinet ministers would arrive and the group would have a little chat. The only time I was in the room taking a nap I happened to witness a meeting. My fur still stands on end when I think of it.
“It seems the narco squad had detained a group of cocaine salesmen who had been given a choice - cough up the product and be deported to the southern United States or face a lengthy prison term. They were only more than happy to take the offer.
“From what I understood, most of them hailed from the Americas - the US, Central America and, as one would expect, South America. The majority had been attempting to emigrate to the USA for many years, some for decades.
“So it turned out to be a win-win situation for all. The importers got what they wanted and the Tories had a quality product perfect for ‘fund raising’ and partying.
“They decided they would only sell to quality (well-heeled) consumers and keep an amount of the product for Tory member use only.
“And that’s what I know about this. It is top grade (white flake) and a great party favour for the frequent Tory evening gatherings.
“As far as street sale cocaine here in the UK - the Ministry of Science is in charge of ‘cutting it’ with baby powder and making it available for sale to the general public. It known as ‘Tory Coke’ on the street. Although it has been cut, it is still far superior to what is usually sold on any of the streets of Old Blighty.
“The Tory coffers have never been so flush.”
#AdoptDontShop
Now if you don’t mind too terribly - some pleading from a Canuck moggie and Larry the Number 10 Cat.
Cat lovers…
If you are able, can I trouble you to make a donation of money or pet food, litter etc. to your local animal shelter, Humane Society, RSPCA, ASPCA or SPCA.
They need help, especially this winter
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I realize that this winter is and is going to be brutal and leave a lot of people in dire straits - so don’t worry about it if you can’t.
Staying fed, warm and looking after your family and pets is far more important.
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