CPAC 2021 - Dallas edition
As Hunter S Thompson would, no doubt, have observed - the woodpeckers were everywhere.
Well, the wing-nuts were out in full force in Dallas this past weekend as delusional greedy fascists of every stripe gathered to raise a little money and spread lies as their god serenaded them with illegal music, insults and grievances galore.
Why we wondered? They had just met in February in Orlando.
When we queried several of the attendees as to the reason for this weekend’s gathering, the most common answer was, “Truthfully, we just forgot that we had done this already. But we figured, what the hell, we’re already here, let’s party.”
And that was the last modicum of truth spoken for three days.
Caitlyn Jenner was there and, as one would expect, she was met with ridicule, fear and loathing from a transphobic crowd, who insulted her by dead-naming her at every opportunity. Why would she dare to walk into that den of lions? She’s taking a shot at the Governor’s chair, as one does when one doesn’t have anything else to do. That is, she’s bored.
And it wouldn’t be a proper gathering without GED grad and saloon owner, Lurleen Blowhard. Yes, she was there refusing money and benefits from the government and making a big fuss about it.
Weight-lifter, WWF wrestler and sometimes committee member, MTG and her Congress husband, Matt Gaetz were there annoying the fuck out of anyone who could be bothered to listen. Offers of oral sex for cash campaign donations were met with, “I told you in Orlando. Get the fuck out of here Matt. And take Laser Girl with you. A little old for you, isn’t she?”
And there was cheering - lots of cheering - boisterous cheering - when it was announced that vaccination rates were low.
And there were truth-free allegations and unlicensed music - usual accoutrements to any Spanky based gathering.
Mutterings of sympathy were heard throughout the hall throughout the weekend - “Why kill her? Poor Ashli Babbitt - she only wanted to hang Mike Pence.”
Famous tree-puncher and wannabe adult, Madison Cawthorn worried aloud that the door-to-door promotion of vaccines might lead to the creation of mechanisms to make Americans resistant to death.
And of course, freedom. Lots of freedom talk. However, Ben “Uncle Tom” Carson threw a wrench into the works when he suggested that African Americans were ecstatic as slaves. He also suggested that they really were happier in bondage than receiving social assistance like the poor white folk. Carson and TFG are reportedly in talks to reinstate slavery in August when Spanky is teleported back to the White House.
Incidentally, Carson won the weekend door prize of a lovely dining room suite valued at $31,000.
The twelve hour voter suppression brainstorming session was well attended. The sessions have proven to a hit at every CPAC for the past decade. This weekend’s session and teach-in was led by Gov. Abbott of Texas.