DeSantis promises to outlaw cutlery, dinnerware and all books
"Waste of time and money."
And I thought it was because he’s a self-centered, uncouth boor…
Devil’s apprentice and guardian of ignorance in the state of Florida, Ron DeSantis was explaining how he became so adept at eating with his hands.
“It all started when I was stationed at Gitmo. We didn’t trust the murderous human scum we were guarding with anything that might be used as a weapon. So cutlery was verboten. They ate with their hands and lapped up beverages straight from the troughs we had installed. Just like the animals they were.
“I got to know a couple of them and they felt like house pets. I got attached to a few of the cleaner ones and as a show of support I ate in the same manner. Down on all fours, food scooped out by hand.
‘I got used to it, and figured what the hell? It saves on purchasing cups, plates, cutlery and utensils. Saved the taxpayers a lot of money.
“When I’m elected POTUS, I intend to pass a bill making eating with hands the law. Gonna make an amendment to the constitution and the Bible just as soon as I can. Probably ban a lot of books as well.
“Hell, I’ll outlaw all reading - except the Bible. That’ll be okay. As a Republican I would like to do away with the written word altogether. And that’s a promise.
“As for school shootings, I have a fool proof plan for that - I’m going to outlaw schools. No schools - no school shootings. Why didn’t Trump think of that?”
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