Fox News vying for broadcast rights to mass murders
"Why would mass murderers choose us? Simple. We have the viewers, and we stay with the event right until the end."
A portion of America stopped for two minutes and watched as 18-year-old self-described white supremacist Payton Gendron shot and killed 10 innocent people in Buffalo this past weekend. The two minutes were live streamed on Twitch before a sharp-eyed Twitch employee killed the feed.
I apologize for the profanity in this piece but we’re dealing with Australians here. Who knew that you could use the word ‘fucking’ as a noun?
Somewhere in Oz a very old man is watching the news.
“Damnit,” screamed Rupert Murdoch to his son Lachlan, “why didn’t we livestream this? Twitch? Fucking Twitch scooped us? Get on this - that’s money in our pockets.”
“I’m already working on it dad. I’m spreading the word. ‘We pay major fucking cash for live fucking mass murder footage.’ Catchy, isn’t it? We won’t miss any more of these moments. Fuck Twitch. We’ll be the media of choice for the would-be mass murdering racist scum of the earth.”
“See to it son. I’m 113 years old, Beelzebub has told me I only have a few decades left. And I want to be a trillionaire before I shuffle off this mortal coil. Have you and Tucker prepared the usual bullshit?”
“Yup - it’s all ready to go. We’re blaming Hillary’s emails, Hunter Biden’s laptop, and John McCain’s tumor. I was going to give it to Hannity, but he’s pissed out of his mind by 10 AM when these things usually happen. I’ll give him the trial coverage when this fucking cunt gets acquitted. Acquittals usually happen in the mornings. He’ll be relatively sober.”
#ProtectWomensRights
I'm not even joking when I say this... but somewhere over at the Newscorp building, in a boardroom that smells like stinky sandwiches, someone is actually making this pitch.
I'm sure!