Hey Sarah.
Sarah, up here.
Yeah it’s me, God. We have to talk.
Now I realize that’s not something you want to hear from your Creator on a Monday morning. Mondays are bad enough as it is, am I right?
Okay. Here we go. Fuck I hate Mondays. After I deal with you, I’ve got to ‘chat’ with Matt Gaetz. That’s never pleasant and I always feel like I need a very long hot shower after I talk to him.
Anyway, that snitch Moses informs me that you’re running around telling the media that you’ll get back into public service if I tell you to. Yeah Sarah, that’s not going to happen.
Oh, I’ll still talk to you every now and then - if you’re medicated. I hope you’re still taking your meds. If you recall, things got kind of crazy when you stopped taking them back in ‘08. McCain wouldn’t talk to me for a quite a while after that. And Steve Schmidt is still pissed at me. He’s turned very bitter. Last time I heard from him was in 2016 - November 9 - “Please God, noooo, fuck noooo!” I do watch him on cable news though. And I follow him on Twitter. Anyway that was his last prayer. I have never heard another word from him.
And then there’s Nicolle Wallace, you must remember Nicolle, right? She handled you for a while, if you remember. You’re the reason she was on Xanax for the whole ‘08 campaign. A lot of people believe it was you that caused her to leave the GOP and evolve into one of the finest journalists in the country.
Anyway sweetheart - time for me to get to the point - I hate this part - here’s the thing about you getting back into politics - you are just not smart enough, pumpkin. No freaking way.
Let me repeat - I know you have a habit of ignoring bad news. You are nowhere clever enough to handle anything more than a network reality show. But that’s something you can handle, isn’t it? The country knows you don’t read - you made that crystal clear that day in 2008 with Katie Couric, didn’t you? I actually felt embarrassed for you.
So here’s my suggestion - do TV - it requires a level of intelligence on par with yours. No matter if you’re watching it or performing.
Please, please - for my sake, you’re ruining my reputation. And it’s taken a real shit-kicking lately - what with TFG’s GQP, the MAGAts and WRECK - the White Racist Evangelical ‘Christians' Klan.
Do TV if you absolutely must be in the spotlight. And don’t forget your meds. Talk to you after the mid-terms.