'Kamikwasi' Kwarteng explains his f**ked up budget - "I was pressured by the Queen's death."
Larry the No 10 Cat craps in Kwarteng's shoes on his first visit to Liz's No 10
I’m just a cat and we tend to see conspiracies and danger around every corner. It’s an ‘evolution thing’ I’ve been told.
But I’m willing to wager that Kwasi ‘Kamikaze’ Kwarteng and his chums were the only people who would have greatly benefited from his original budget and tax cuts.
The Independent ran a piece the other day with the headline “Kwasi Kwarteng blames ‘pressure’ of Queen’s death for botched mini-budget”.
I don’t know about you - but I would not feel very secure if my country’s finances were being entrusted to someone who feels ‘pressured’ by the funeral of a 96 year old monarch and a mini-budget. Personally, I do not see the connection. But what do I know?
I’m just a colonial moggy.
So I thought I’d check in with my friend, Larry the No 10 Cat.
“Kwarteng? The guy’s a wanker. The first time he came over to No 10 after Liz arrived he took one look at my food bowl and told Truss that she shouldn’t waste taxpayer money on cat food.”
“He scolded her like a schoolchild.”
‘Give him table scraps. And stop buying cat litter. He can crap outside. These are tough times and we can’t be seen to be treating our pets better than we treat the commoners of our country. By the way - what your plans for all tax money I have saved you? I’m buying a yacht and employing a few servants. Good for the economy. Trickle down, Liz. Trickle down. It’s the only way to keep those commoners in their place.’
“Upon hearing this I immediately took a huge shit in his hiking boots - which he had foolishly removed and left at the front door. I snapped a selfie and posted it on my Twitter account, but not before I sprayed his boots. You can’t get that smell out.”
“For those of your readers not familiar with the charming feline behavior of spraying to show possession - cat spray usually has a strong and pungent urine smell. The exact scent is unique to every cat, but the overwhelming scent is cat piss. There’s no smell quite like it. I’ve heard of people who have had to shift after one particularly possessive kitty marked all the furniture and walls with his scent. They moved out leaving all their possessions. The place was his after that. It could not be sold. You can clean as much as you want, but that smell never goes away. And sometimes it may even transfer to your clothing.”
“Anyway, I now refer to Kwarteng as Liz’s Pissboy. BoJo was an drunken asshole but at least he would play “Got Your Nose” with me when he was drinking. Liz just ignores me.”
#AdoptDontShop