Meghan missed the sound of gunfire, death and ensuing cries of anguish throughout the night

The level of racism in the UK was easy to handle, but she missed the sheer terror of the prospect of dying a violent death by gunfire - hence the good ol' US of A would be where they would land.

When Harry met Meghan and they wed, the major decision facing them was - where to live?

The Royals made it quite clear that the couple was not welcome on Old Blighty soil and did their Royal Damnedness to ensure that the young lovebirds were fully aware of that fact.

With what was left of the British Empire from which to choose, they picked a quiet corner of Canada. A sojourn that was extremely short-lived and they soon packed up both of their royal wedding gifts and headed south across the border. Very convenient. Almost as if it had been planned.

“It was not unlike sleeping and living in a crypt,” Meg told me of her time in Canada.

Meghan longed for home and the gratuitous violence.

“Seriously, I could not sleep at night in Canada. The silence was deafening.”

Where were the gunshots, the cadence of which she had grown used to as a child when she was having trouble sleeping.

“In lieu of sheep, I counted gunshots and would eventually nod off. I was much happier with the USA brand of bigotry and accusations of ‘passing’ than I was in the deafening quiet of a UK palace or Canada.

“And where were the daytime robberies? The random muggings? Child abductions and school shootings. I longed for a good old fashioned 7-11 armed robbery. I was homesick, as rich as Harry was.”

So they moved and the rest remains a mercurial mystery.

#AdoptDontShop #SlavaUkraini

Tom, hard at work