Hi Buddy,
Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve been in touch but I’ve been a little busy campaigning, dodging indictments and shifting important documents around the country.
You’re so lucky you don’t have to deal with things like elections and law enforcement.
The walls seem to be closing in on me here and I am rapidly running out of options.
I understand you are quite busy yourself losing a war you were sure should end in a matter of days.
I have dated a few Ukrainian girls and can understand what you’re up against. Tough people.
Anyway, I have a favour to ask - do you think you could give me a place to stay until all this settles down and our election is held and I am returned to the presidency. After that I will be able to clean up this mess.
Your friend,
Donald J Trump
Dear Mr. Drumpf,
I am sorry but his excellency King Putin seems to be missing.
I am his peasant housekeeper and have been keeping his office look like he’s still in Russia. We are not sure where he is, but have many actors who look like him making appearances here in Moscow and proclaiming that Ukraine will fall any day now.
If you need a place to stay, you are welcome to stay in the jack-ass barn on my farm. I have heard that you are called a jack-ass in America many times and so you should find this comfortable as you will be with your own type.
I can fix up a nice bed of straw for you and there is a large forest nearby where you can hide-out. I hope you like eating hay. We had a good crop this spring and should last you until your election.
Sorry - but we cannot accommodate your family. We really don’t like any of them.
Best wishes,
Olga the barn keeper