The Rittenhouse Rehearsals
“Damn it Kyle - I want tears. Not just blubbering.”
“I can’t. I’m trying, but I just can’t,” sobbed the teenaged multiple murderer.
“You start tearing up, you fucking wimp, or your cellmate will make sure you cry that first night in prison. Cry like the baby you are. Weep like the piece of shit you look like, you girly boy. Own that feeling. Recall it when you’re on the stand, you spoiled piece of crap. You know, if you were black, you would not be alive today. You thank your good lord that he made you white.”
Kyle Rittenhouse was rehearsing his trial testimony with courtroom prep wizard, disbarred lawyer, disgraced human being and Trump fluffer, Rudy Giuliani.
“And remember - they gave you scary looks. You were scared. You feared for your life. You had to kill them.”
The lawyer continued, “Now they are probably going to ask you about bringing an AR15 with you while you pretended to be an EMT despite having no real training in medicine. What will you say?”
“It made me look cool. I thought maybe I could meet some girls. The girls in Illinois don’t like me. I thought maybe the girls in Wisconsin would think I was cool. A medical bag and a cool AR15. What girl wouldn’t be impressed? And I was a cool out of state guy - no one knew me. No one knew about my bed-wetting. If I killed a couple of people…”
Giuliani was sweating profusely at this point and paused to wipe the hair dye from his eyes.
“Okay, I think you’re ready.”