From TFG’s inauguration all the way to the Jan 6th insurrection, the Trumps have proven themselves, time and time again, to be quite inept thieves as well as backstabbing losers. Please bear this in mind as we enter the Mar-a-Largo kitchen where a family meeting is about to commence…
Junior arrives and sits at the kitchen table. He deploys and snorts a couple of lines of coke and asks, “Where’s Melania? Not that I care, I’m just curious. Has she finally fled the jurisdiction? Or was your lease up?”
Spanky frowns and snaps, “Enough of your lip. Be good and I’ll let you take her out for a spin. You’re old enough to handle her now. She’s still here, she’s out shopping for more white hats with that tall kid of hers. You know, the kid with the dog’s name. Damn what is his name? Prince? Duke? Something royal like that. Oh wait, Barron! That’s it. Damn, I was ripped out of my mind on Adderall when I agreed to that. Ah, I don’t care. I don’t think he’s mine anyway. As far as Melania goes, I’ve exercised my option and extended her lease. She can be really convincing when she wants to be, and with this NY AG shit storm coming at us I thought she might be useful. You know - extortion, blackmail, seduction and surreptitious filming, things like that. I have some firsthand experience with how effective that can be. That’s how Vlad and I got to be such good friends. Oh, here she is! Here’s my sweetheart!”
Ivanka enters the room, sits on Spanky’s lap and purrs, “Mmmmm, my favorite chair in Casa Trump. Daddy I need some cash, I’m starting a new clothes line. Clothesline, get it? I’m witty and pretty.”
Junior yells, “And slutty. No squirming Vanky, you know what happens and how he gets.”
“Fuck you Junior, where’s your junkie whore sleaze-bag?”
“At home. We had a big night, she’s still sleeping. I figured since she hasn’t been subpoenaed yet she didn’t really need to be here.”
Spanky jumps up and Ivanka lands on her butt on the kitchen’s gold ceramic tiling.
“Kids, I’ve been thinking, and I think we’re going to have to take the fifth just like ‘Simple Eric’ did. I don’t see any way around it.”
“But daddy, you’ve always said that only guilty people take the fifth.”
“Yes sweetheart. And we are guilty. So guilty. Bigly guilty. No getting around it. I’m not president anymore and I can’t get out of it as easily and I could before.”
Junior frowns and says, “I don’t understand.”
“Damnit Junior. You gotta lay off that coke. You’re starting to sound like your brother. (Mimicking Eric) - I don’t understand. I don’t know. This is hard. I can’t do this. Can someone help me with my zipper? My shoelaces are untied. My wife is cheating on me.
“So, you kids understand? Take the fifth and shut up. I’m still waiting on Vlad. He promised me he’d help if it ever came to this.”
“Daddy, I think maybe it’s time you realize that Mr. Putin was just using you.”
“No, we had a real relationship. Deep and meaningful.”
“Fuck daddy, smarten up - he was using you. Just like that Chinese dude with the clown hair cut in Korea. The only friends you have left are Arabs. We need Jared to ask them for help. Letitia is coming after all of us. Saudi is the safest place right now. We must run. And we have to do it soon.”
“Can we leave Eric and Melania? Because I could go for that,” Junior asked.
“Uh Junior, son of mine, there’s something Vanky and I have to tell you…”