Thomas Barrack auctioning off pieces of his holdings in the GOP to make bail
Immediately flew to UAE using Jared's passport
Confronted with a quarter of a billion-dollar bail, TFG’s good buddy, Thomas Barrack has found it necessary to sell off a few of his Republican Senators, House Reps and various hangers-on to make bail.
“I really wanted to get rid of Trump, but no one wanted him. At least not for the price I was asking. Numerous independent used car lots thought he would be a great fit, as did vacuum cleaners sales outlets, door-to-door encyclopedia vendors and life insurance companies. So I guess I’m stuck with him. I’ll continue to use him as a house-boy as I have for all these years. I mean - he can’t possibly live much longer considering his diet.”
First on the auction block was Mitch McConnell who was sold to an Emirate businessman, who now regrets his impetuous purchase, saying that he mistook Moscow Mitch for something useful.
“He’s not interested in an honest day’s work. He cares only about himself,” the Emirate tycoon commented.
Ted Cruz is expected to be sold into servitude if a desperate enough buyer can be found. Barrack characterized Cruz as one of the most useless purchases he has ever made, stating that Devin Nunes had proved to be much more useful. Nunes has been sold to a Nigerian warlord who uses Devin to run midnight errands.
Sen. Lindsey Graham will be sold to an X-rated film studio and expected to serve as a fluffer. Barrack commented on the deal saying, “It’s something that Lady G really enjoys and does quite well I’m told.”
Jim Jordan has reportedly requested that he be placed in an all-boys middle school.
Melania, as expected, has been sold into the sex trade where all reports say she is being kept very busy.
As part of his being allowed to pose as someone important, Jared coughed up his passport and was promptly smuggled out of the country to serve as a “yes man” to a Cuban dictator. And Ivanka continues to spend her time strolling up and down Fifth Avenue showing off her nipples - much to the chagrin and horror of midtowners.