Trump's latest business venture - selling/renting burial plots on his golf courses
"I need a lawyer bigly, and all the lawyers I've asked want cash up-front"
I was chatting with twice-impeached ex-POTUS Donald Trump while I was at Mar-a-Lago hunting cockroaches. A hobby of mine. He did not seem cognizant of the fact that he was whining to a cat.
“With all my legal issues I’ve gotten into and blame on anybody near to me, it was very clear that I needed a lawyer. I’ve been told that there are a whole shitload of lawsuits and criminal charges in my future.
“Any lawyer willing to have me as a client wanted yuge retainer fees - cash - no cheques or credit cards. I was going to dip into my PAC money, but one of the broads that works for me pointed out that I would just get deeper in the shit should I use any of that money.
“So I had an idea, people are saying it’s the most brilliant idea of all-time. I got it when we planted Ivana on the golf course. I realized that there is a very yuge demand for burial spots. Let’s face it - boomers aren’t going to live forever. They’re not getting any younger. They will need to be buried somewhere and I’ve got all this land.
“Ivanka has contacts in the coffin business in China and can secure the burial boxes very cheap - of course the coffins will be constructed of pine but we plan on offering a discount price on Trump Coffins - our own brand of cardboard coffins painted to look like oak. Hell, it’s just going to be buried in dirt - who’s going to know?
“Eventually the Trump Organization will be offering full service funerals - our motto will be ‘Trump Funerals - putting the FUN back in funeral’.
“Junior is getting ordained by the First Church of the Perpetually High and Kimmie is already a high priestess in The Temple of Gold-diggers.
Eric will be digging the graves - it’s about all he’s suited for.
Jared will be heading up the ‘Rent A Gravesite” business, that will charge a monthly rental fee.
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