"We want our kids as ignorant as Maggie Three Names and Lauren Boebert."
"We must ban the teaching of all difficult subjects and touchy issues."
Mary Beth-Ann Crud, chairman of the Alabama Parents Advisory Committee on Book Learning, tells me that they are battling the Alabama Board Of Education.
“What the hell happens if our kids get smarter than us? All that damn book learning is just going to lead to a lot of trouble. My parents wouldn’t let us read and we did just fine. Why can’t these kids just be content with learning to drive a tractor and brew shine and cook meth, like we did. Oh damn, there goes another tooth. Can you pick that up for me?
“Now take Lauren Boebert - no education to speak of - a great citizen, a great leader. Owns a bar and BBQ joint! Dream job! And she’s all but illiterate. She didn’t read your fancy schmancy books about foreigners and black folk and homos and lesbeens and math and literature. She’s doing good enough. And she’s never read a newspaper. Actually, I’m not even sure she can read.
“The same with Maggie Three Names – she owns a gym, she’s built like a brick shithouse - hangs out with that lady’s man, Matt Gaetz, while her hubby bangs every woman in Hooterville. Gaetz - what a hunk! She’s doing just fine.
“Hey - why am I telling you all this? You’re just a cat - get the fuck out of here. Who let you in? And give me my tooth, it’s not a toy. I’ve only got three left.”